..break you down
                      so badly

i just want to break you down so badly..
in the worst way.

Current Mood: lonely

we had the potential to be close friends and now the opportunity just moved 2 hours away.
i want tiffins back already :'( 

Current Mood: sad

fucking..
     happy;)

Current Mood: ecstatic

it doesn't rain.. 
          it pours.

you and your ability 
to beat me down and break me
i try so hard but i can't run from it; this sick feeling in my stomach
tell me not to ever forget
but all i feel when i remember is rergret
it hurts so bad to try and let go 
but holding on hurts more than you'll ever know
once you were my lifeline, now you're my heart's attack
now you've got me flatlining when all i want is my broken heart back
pick the pieces up and attempt to re-assemble
see you and i dilate, ignore these painful trembles
please just give up on me, leave me alone and let me go
so i can try to love again, so i can try to hope
give time for my savage heart to mend
it's not easy for me like it is for you
that we're nothing more than friends
don't call me baby, don't reach for my hand
let me close up this empty love
so i can breathe again.. 

][one bullet at a time..][
     help me.. (i broke apart my insides)
         help me.. i've got no soul to sell..
          help me.. the only thing that works for me;

                                              [[[HELP ME GET AWAY FROM MYSELF..]]]

i keep thinkin' in a moment that time will take them away, but these feelin's won't go away
they've been knockin' me sideways..

i miss you so much. i don't know how i make it everyday. i want kaijo chelser days. i want to go to sleep to the sound of your voice and wake up to the sight of your face. i want to make you happy again. i have been without and it makes it so obvious to me. i don't want anybody else. i don't want to commit to anyone else. you are still so stuck in my head. i'm so scared that you get a little farther from me everyday. pretty soon i won't be able to reach you at all. that scares me the most. i'm confident in my ability to let the love i know i have endure anything. i'll give you everything and then some. but this time it will be different, this time i will give you all i can give and give you a life of your own too. and i will have mine. but we could have such a wonderful life together. i know it. i know it..
we have already started it, that's why we can't break from eachother. we got off to a rough start. i'll do anything. anything..

simmer in these thoughts about you. let them sink in. they're a broken record in my head. the lunatic is in my head.
 

you break my heart a little more.

she'll suck you dry and still you'll cry..
     to be back in her bosom [to do it again]..
              she'll make you weep and moan and cry
to be back in her bosom [to do it again]..
pray, til' i go blind..
pray, 'cause nobody ever survives..
     praying to stay in your arms just until i can die a little bit longer..
                                                                      [until i can die a little bit longer..]

                           she'll eat you alive.

i can feel it coming back again..
[and it hurts so bad]

i know i don't deserve you or your time. i know you hurt. i know i left you. what you fail to realize is that i was the one worth leaving. remember mornings together in the basement. i would always wake up before you but i wouldn't dare disturb you. you look too peaceful when you're sleeping. i've been wishing myself back to that time..
     a time when i was so loved.
     a time when i loved so much.
i want it back so bad. however, the fear of it blowing up in my face keeps me from even trying to tell you. 

[but i know the love is there.]  god i hope the love is there.

          maybe that's why it's so hard. maybe i've been searching for something that, in all reality, i have already found. i am so convinced that the love we posess is instilled so deeply inside of us that it just won't ever go away. i don't want it to go away.

please, don't let it go away..

          don't fall away..
               [[and leave me to myself.]]          
                         don't fall away &
                    leave love bleeding in my hands..

     i cannot let you go. i don't want to. lately though you've been so distant to me. almost as if you really don't want me around. i think the love you felt has faded and you're afraid of hurting me. i could be wrong. (i hope i'm wrong.) i just don't know much of anything anymore. i know that i watch you get farther and more independent from me everyday, while i'm struggling just to hold your hand. to at least feel as if i'm close to you again. i'm afraid that now, my trying to help you is going to stab me in the back. i had to let you go. but i did it for you. you have to believe that. i couldn't let myself be everything for you, as bad as i wanted to be, as hard as i tried to be, and as much as i wish i could be now. i care so much about you that it throws me in circles. you have the ability to send my head spinning in every direction and bring me to my knees in an instant, without effort. you even defy my attention disorder, i am so fixated on you. i want to tell you so bad but i just don't know how. i don't want to be the one that hurts you, i want the chance again to be the one that makes you happy. i've met cool people. i've met new interesting individuals. but the commitment i have to offer can only be given to you. i cannot be with someone else while my heart rips and tears at me about a love it hasn't forgotten. will never forget. will never regret. only hope. i have so much hope for us. i have to. it's the only thing that keeps me here. i have to hope that we will be together again, someday.. someday..
someday..

 i'm also hesitant because i don't want you to think i'm crazy or obsessive, i just want you to know. i don't want you think i'm trying to push you into this either, or looking for sympathy, or looking to make you feel guilty or bad. i just want you to know. i have no other way of telling you how i feel because i just cannot voice some things. it's too hard for me. this is so complex, so deep. more apart of me than anyting else. i don't know if you still feel the missing piece but i sure do. i am beginning to feel it more and more everyday. i can't tell you how long it has been wearing on me prior to writing this. i can tell you that it has been for so long. so long that i can't recall, or even try to remember. i rely on a lack of sobriety to pass time. i don't want to invest my time into anything. the truth is we've been seperated for quite some time now but i'm stuck trying to get back to the life i had with you. stuck re-living the happiest time in my life because now it is gone and i have no one to blame but myself. i should've just told you we needed a break. maybe a little more time apart. maybe a little less time together. anything but what i said. i'm so sorry and there's nothing i can do..
     i only want to give myself to you..

              no one has reached me on any level of passion. no one can meet me on a level intellectually like you. you know me so well. to the point where you can read my words and hear my voice. i know you can. no one will ever know you like i do. no one will be as tender with the way you feel, because i know how sensitive you are. i try so hard. i just want you to look at me one of these days and see the exact person that you fell so deeply in love with. but i'm so afraid that person is lost..
so afraid..

i cannot bring myslef to ask you to give me a chance again because something inside me says that that isn't what you want. maybe just not right now, but i don't think you want it at all.. so very afraid that for once, i'm right about something.

i just want to make you happy.

i just want us back. i want kaijo and chels back. but i don't know what you want and i'm so afraid to know. that may be another thing keeping me from talking to you. i don't want to know if you never want to be with me again. i want to make it work. i know that i love you enough to not give up. the love won't give up. it was just so bad for so long that i didn't know what to do. i made a mistake. just in the way i chose to go about it. i was lacking experience and wisdom. plain and simple i just didn't know any better. you are still on my mind constantly. it seems to be more so now then before but i think that is just due to your absence. as cheesy as the saying is, "the farther apart, the closer the heart." it has enough meaning now to slap me in the face. my heart yearns for something i can't have. 

your love for me has gone
and it's no one's fault but my own..

[[remember, sometimes the smallest of things can often mean the most.]]

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: tool- sober